Dean Jones says:

"Hmmm, that sounds intriguing. If you promise to apply for an external grant (e.g., from the National Science Foundation) and you also promise to list our university as your co-affiliation for any work you may have already started, then I think I can agree to your having a research assistant for three years.  A lot of new hires really find a graduate assistant to be 'in the way' -- but since you seem to have a need, I am willing to support that.

You say:

"As you can see from my resume' I'm doing some extensive laboratory research involving what is called "Data Scraping" -- gathering information from social media and other websites...If you look at my letters of reference, you will see a remark where one of my advisors says that I show a lot of promise as a researcher." 

Dean Jones looks at the pages and says:

"Very impressive...Yes, your advisor said that 'you were among the best doctoral students he's ever taught and that you show a lot of promise as a researcher in this field.'  Very well, I will raise my offer to the 55th percentile!  And I can increase the budget for equipment to $15,000 for hardware.  All of that PLUS one research assistant for three calendar years.  I wish I had had such a good deal when I was just starting my career!

Here is the contract package I'd like to offer you:

**ONE guaranteed trip to a conference each year for two years

**$1,000 for software to analyze data

**$15,000 for hardware (i.e., special computer processor and other equipment)

**A nine-month salary at the 55th percentile

**One graduate research assistant for THREE calendar years; in return, you agree to apply for external funding and you agree to list our university as your co-affiliation on any already-started projects.

**Required to teach four summer sessions, none of which count toward your teaching load

**Five-day a week teaching schedule.

If you are willing to agree to these terms, I can have the lawyer draw up the contract and you can sign it, perhaps even today.  Then you will have a job 'in hand' and you won't have to worry about that aspect of your life!"

Your response:

1.  I accept your kind and generous offer.

2.  I'm not prepared to make a commitment at this time...That salary is still too low.

3.  I'm not prepared to make a commitment at this time...The teaching load is too heavy.